Fun little stories

Here are some true stories from the life of yours truly.

Hot Alien Retribution

So the first time I went on a date with as-yet undisclosed foreigner, my car's check engine light comes on before the drive home. The first date went well by most accounts. The second date did not go quite as well, as the Bucks game was outrageously loud and gave both of us headaches. Yet the evening redeemed itself during an enjoyable dinner, for me at least. So therefore, my Audi, the jealous lover, scorned me once again. This time it was a brake light. I am convinced that my Audi knows what's going on in my social life and is protesting. The protest was not quite as adamant this time because of the up and down date. So it chose to break the brake light. It cost me only $4 to repair, a do-it-yourself deal. But now I must wonder what will happen if there is a third date and it goes well. Maybe I should take the bus!

Bucks Game

Even though the Bucks game was loud, there was a really fun halftime show. All the mascots for milwaukee teams, plus the mascot from applebee's, pizza hut, etc. arrived. They were split into teams of two, and they did a cute little relay race where they had to dribble an enormous basketball down the court, then ride back on a bicycle, then dunk a normal sized ball using a trampoline. Bango, the Bucks mascot, was quite impressive. He even made a second dunk-run and dunked himself through the basket somehow. Some of the other mascots are clearly lacking athleticism. Some hit their heads on the backboard, others couldn't even ride a bicycle. Even the yellow bird thing from the Brewers was not that impressive. Obviously the standards for hiring mascots have gone down in recent years.

Laser Cat

I read recently about a device called a CueCat. Apparently radioshack made them. They were barcode scanners that would take you to some advertising junk of whatever product you scanned. Ingenius people figured out how to turn them into standard bar code scanners that just spit out the item # when you scan. And another ingenius group of people made a piece of software where you can enter bar codes for your dvds and it will keep track of them all. So $12 and 1 hour of work later, I have my DVD collection online. I realized this morning I may have forgotten a couple on top of my TV, though. Still, now that my collection is online, everyone can think of some good movies I should own but don't and give them to me, without me having to put them on a wishlist. Happy shopping!

Signs of Intelligent Life

Wednesday morning, I planned to get a slightly later start than normal in the morning. This was so I could pick up a package from the post office. I set my alarm for 7:15 A.M. While setting it, Chopper jumped up on the night stand to watch. When I put the clock down, he started pawing it a bit. A few minutes later he had knocked it off the night stand. I picked it up and put it back on the night stand, then went to sleep.

The alarm goes off at 7:15 A.M. and I'm wondering why I am so unbelievably tired. After snoozing once, I get up, brush my teeth, then feed the cats. I then notice it's a bit dark outside. The clock in the kitchen says 5 A.M. What the?? It turns out the clock had reset to midnight PST when Chopper knocked it over. I then realize that Chopper is the most intelligent cat on earth. Every day at 5 A.M. he wakes me up by making lots of noise, jumping on the bed, and then cuddling. Now he knocks over the clock at precisely the right time for me to wake up at around 5 A.M. Good lord, what will he try next??

Harpaxophobia

I've developed a case of harpaxophobia. A few weeks after starting my new job, I brought in some food and a vitamin water. When I went to retrieve the vitamin water later that day, it had been opened and a sip or two was missing. I had written my name on it, so I knew it couldn't just be a case of someone thinking it was theirs. That, and the fact that no one else ever brings in vitamin water. I decided that maybe I had taken a sip earlier, or someone at my apartment complex had (I got it from the breakfast area).

Fast forward to just a week ago. I bring in a vitamin water to drink while working out. I go to retrieve it at 6pm, and it's just totally gone. I check every nook and cranny of the fridge and the other nearby fridge, and both freezers. Totally gone.

Since then, I've been spending at least an hour a day figuring out how to thwart would-be robbers. I've had people suggest strong laxatives put in the drink, hot sauce, vinegar, dye, and even urine. I discarded this idea because who knows what would happen legally or whether I would be fired if caught. What if it is an important boss stealing my drink? My name is on the drink, so they would know it was me.

Or I could just open it, take a sip, and close it. But I'd have to be careful to mark it. But then someone could spit in it and I wouldn't notice!

I've also had the thought of labelling it differently. If I put a big kahuna's name on the bottle, would people still drink it? This seemed like a good idea until I realized that people would be witnessing me taking a bottle they thought belonged to the other person.

I then considered the equivalent of lawn signs claiming hi-tech security when there is none. I could put "contains strong laxatives", "contains strong hormone supplements", "contains bleach", or similar. Would that work?

I also noticed some coworkers bring their lunch in an opaque plastic bag. Surely no one would steal a bottle in a plastic bag… who would bother searching all the bags for something to drink?

Another thought is location. If I put the drink in the back of the fridge, someone would have to dig through all the items in front to get to it.

Of course, all this mental energy is a welcome distraction that helps pass the time. I've got two exciting weekends coming up to complement last weekend's excitement. A movie premiere starring a friend of mine, a cousin on the sopranos, the film festival, shopping at the L'Occitane outlet store, a new restaurant to try, and a Bucks game with a hot chick. Phew! How am I going to squeeze it all in? In the first half of the month, my life was at 0mph, now I'm speeding.

Oh yeah, which reminds me. Guess whose car had troubles? Yeah, me, that's right. I'm getting ready to drive home from milwaukee, and the check engine light comes on. I read the manual, and it says to drive at a reduced pace. So I drive at a mere 65mph (speed limit: 65mph) all the way home. What a long trip! My car's warranty has just run out (on the 15th, and the light comes on the evening of the 19th). Keeping true to my good latter-half-of-march luck, it only costs me $100 to repair. That's how much a single screw probably costs normally in these Audis.

Time to retrieve my drink and go to the gym. Or, if the drink is missing, time to go on an Incredible Hulk-esque rampage. Steve Smash!!!!

BARF

Three things barf-related:

1. New cat food! I'm now feeding Chopper and Audrey a canned food and a raw diet food. The canned food is Innova Evo. It's got the best mix of ingredients plus seemingly good taste. The raw diet is new. It's basically ground chicken, bone, heart, liver, some vegetables, yogurt, and a few other things. It comes in little cylindrical medallions, 1 oz each, sold in 3 pound bags that I keep frozen. Their first meal was this morning. Chopper ate most of his, but Audrey only at about 1/4. The raw diet is basically in the theory of BARF - Biologically Appropriate Raw Food. In terms of cost, it's only a little more than Evo per day. Let's hope they take to the new food. That is the real test.

2. V for Vendetta. This movie made me want to barf. It is certainly the worst movie I can remember seeing, and it would not surprise me if it is the worst movie ever made. I'm all for liberal politics in movies, after all I loved "Good Night, And Good Luck", "Syriana", and "The Constant Gardener". But this movie is just so condescending that it can't be forgiven. They might as well have had the evil leader be called GWB and his minion called Chainsey. What an insult to intelligent moviegoers. The action sucked too. Jittery camera that cut frequently. The only thing remotely good about this film was the acting. How anyone can act well in such a piece of filth is beyond me.

3. Nervousness! Butterflies in the stomach and what not. Due to an upcoming tryst at the Milwaukee Art Museum. And then probably a coffee shop nearby. Can't decide whether to take the camera. I'm thinking not, because many of the works there are not owned by the museum and therefore cannot be photographed.

A stressful time for Audrey

Audrey's visit at the vet yielded some scary results. She has to have two teeth extracted! It has been only 6 months since her annual dental work, and already she has significant tarter buildup and has corroded teeth at the gumline in two places, which are infected. It is going to cost $400. I guess I'm going to have to start doing dental stuff regularly again, like brushing their teeth (or trying to), dental treats, etc.

At the vet, they had to take her bloodwork through the jugular vein because she wouldn't let them near her paws. This involved shaving her neck. It looks kind of weird. Additionally, they had to give her a sedative. When I brought her home, she was clearly affected by the sedative. She could barely walk without falling down or weaving in the wrong direction. She hissed at me when I tried to pet her after letting her out of the cage. If I so much as touched her, she would lose her balance. Her eyes were dilated. This lasted all night, although she was slowly getting better. This morning she is back to normal.

The vet thought maybe she would be more calm next time due to the sedative-induced experience this time. Yeah right.

Audrey is not a people person

My back is still nagging me, but I am able to sleep through it. I have X-Rays scheduled next tuesday. I might bring a spider and see if I can turn myself into Spiderman. The weird hydrocodone trip lasted only about 12 hours, and then I was back on track. The tenticles went away and I now realize that adding an extra shot of espresso to my coffee is not a good idea.

I am slowly becoming metrosexual. I just received a bunch of items from Nancy Boy. Potential dates should not follow that link as it will make me less studly. Pretend like the link goes to a very manly site.

Anyway one of the things I got is this lotion of theirs with a scent called "Sweetgrass". It is not greasy, contains shea butter, and smells like Thai food (ginger & lemon grass?). A great combination.

Particularly worriesome for my masculinity is the fact that all the containers of their products say "Tested on boyfriends, not animals". I am pretending like girlfriends are doing the testing just for my own sanity.

Audrey and Chopper are at the vet today. Audrey had to be sedated a bit. Ever since I fell on her outside the vet's office, she has become more and more hostile towards the vets. Chopper was a bit stressed, but I think it was just an act. Whenever he is let out of his cage, he prowls around the vet office with his tail held high and with lots of murmuring.

Once again they both seem to have ear problems. A little over $100 for tests to check for bacteria and ear mites, ear cleaning, and the sedative. I don't know why they keep having ear problems, I'm thinking about speaking more quietly at home to see what happens.

I've now tested pretty much every canned food at MadCat. It appears that my cats are a lot more finicky than I thought. Who would have thought that Audrey would refuse any form of cat food? But she did. So far the most tasty foods are:

• Wellness (Chicken, Turkey, Chicken and Herring, Turkey and Salmon)
  
• Innova Evo
  
• Merrick
  

They almost refused to eat:

• Felidae
  
• Spot's Stew
  
• Solid Gold
  
• Addiction
  

So there you have it, my official recommendations on cat food. Well, canned cat food that is. I'm still thinking of trying the frozen raw foods. It's only about 10 cents more per day and contains some good stuff, such as yogurt.

Feeling very nicholas cagey

I feel like an unstable chemical reaction today. My brain has been misbehaving quite a bit. Last weekend it was a kind of torpidity due to lack of sleep. I wake up still tired but unable to sleep, and am suddenly grumpy and disinterested in everything. Everything is boring. Somehow I get out of the funk, maybe due to The Weather Man, which I watched only to realize that Nicholas Cage would probably play me in a movie about my life. Although I am thinking maybe Paul Giamatti would be good too today. Thank God Phillip Seymour Hoffman is not the answer.

Then all this week I've been in a sleepy haze. My back's been hurting. I don’t know if that's related or not. At work I nearly fall asleep every day. Yesterday my back was bothering me quite a bit, so I went home only to discover an insane headache. On the way to the car I stop at my usual place, Café Soleil, and get soup and cake. That baker girl who is always smiling served me. Last time I went in there, she laughed at my dumb joke, so I thought she just had a good sense of humor. But I was totally out of it and spacey yesterday and she was still laughing and smiling. What would it be like to be so jovial all the time? I'm going to have to ask her what the secret is next time. Maybe she'll ask me what my secret is to having an almost catatonic look on my face at all times. I'll then have to bring her a programming book to read.

When I got home, I decided to take some strong pain killers, and popped a Hydrocodene. It did not help with the pain, though it did allow me some good sleep. I had to take another one late last night so I could sleep through back and headache pain. What is with this headache? I went to sleep with audrey next to me, and woke up with chopper in the exact same spot. Do I really have two cats or is it just one? Maybe it's just one cat that fights itself like in Fight Club.

This morning I wake up and am really sleepy and the headache is looming. Kind of like if I maybe twist my head in a certain way it will come back. I decided to stop at the Café again and get some strong coffee. That red-headed guy was there. He doesn't laugh at my jokes, but he plays along. He'd be a good straight man should I ever take my comedy act on the road. I am starting to think that they have some magic mushrooms or special brownies at that place.

That coffee was a mistake. Now I'm really sleep AND loopy/jittery. I'd be having an outer body experience if I weren't so jittery. What the heck? I feel like I am going to fall asleep while simultaneously spazing out. This must be what Paula Abdul feels like on American Idol. Although even in my weird brain chemical state, I still don't get the pizza and salad thing she said last night.

On the up side, I have finally figured out what I would get as my first tattoo if I ever got one. Now I just have to figure out where I would put it. Maybe on these tentacles that are sticking out of my feet.