Harpaxophobia

I've developed a case of harpaxophobia. A few weeks after starting my new job, I brought in some food and a vitamin water. When I went to retrieve the vitamin water later that day, it had been opened and a sip or two was missing. I had written my name on it, so I knew it couldn't just be a case of someone thinking it was theirs. That, and the fact that no one else ever brings in vitamin water. I decided that maybe I had taken a sip earlier, or someone at my apartment complex had (I got it from the breakfast area).

Fast forward to just a week ago. I bring in a vitamin water to drink while working out. I go to retrieve it at 6pm, and it's just totally gone. I check every nook and cranny of the fridge and the other nearby fridge, and both freezers. Totally gone.

Since then, I've been spending at least an hour a day figuring out how to thwart would-be robbers. I've had people suggest strong laxatives put in the drink, hot sauce, vinegar, dye, and even urine. I discarded this idea because who knows what would happen legally or whether I would be fired if caught. What if it is an important boss stealing my drink? My name is on the drink, so they would know it was me.

Or I could just open it, take a sip, and close it. But I'd have to be careful to mark it. But then someone could spit in it and I wouldn't notice!

I've also had the thought of labelling it differently. If I put a big kahuna's name on the bottle, would people still drink it? This seemed like a good idea until I realized that people would be witnessing me taking a bottle they thought belonged to the other person.

I then considered the equivalent of lawn signs claiming hi-tech security when there is none. I could put "contains strong laxatives", "contains strong hormone supplements", "contains bleach", or similar. Would that work?

I also noticed some coworkers bring their lunch in an opaque plastic bag. Surely no one would steal a bottle in a plastic bag… who would bother searching all the bags for something to drink?

Another thought is location. If I put the drink in the back of the fridge, someone would have to dig through all the items in front to get to it.

Of course, all this mental energy is a welcome distraction that helps pass the time. I've got two exciting weekends coming up to complement last weekend's excitement. A movie premiere starring a friend of mine, a cousin on the sopranos, the film festival, shopping at the L'Occitane outlet store, a new restaurant to try, and a Bucks game with a hot chick. Phew! How am I going to squeeze it all in? In the first half of the month, my life was at 0mph, now I'm speeding.

Oh yeah, which reminds me. Guess whose car had troubles? Yeah, me, that's right. I'm getting ready to drive home from milwaukee, and the check engine light comes on. I read the manual, and it says to drive at a reduced pace. So I drive at a mere 65mph (speed limit: 65mph) all the way home. What a long trip! My car's warranty has just run out (on the 15th, and the light comes on the evening of the 19th). Keeping true to my good latter-half-of-march luck, it only costs me $100 to repair. That's how much a single screw probably costs normally in these Audis.

Time to retrieve my drink and go to the gym. Or, if the drink is missing, time to go on an Incredible Hulk-esque rampage. Steve Smash!!!!